an ocean between us

im having a bad day today.
feeling really shit about the accident.
angry that i am not able to do things because of what happened.
angry that im in pain all the time.
ive been told that its normal to feel like this.
i dont see anything normal about it.
every second im in a car i think someone is going to crash into us.
i hate the feeling of panic - my heart races and i cant slow my breathing down.
it takes all the strength i have not to break down and cry.
i try to talk to pete about it but it just doesnt seem to stick
mil thinks im being stupid. sil doesnt understand what the big deal is.
i dont even like thinking about it.
yet i cant stop thinking about it.
i dream about it.
i have flashbacks a lot more.
it has honestly broken me.
i just dont know how to cope with it.

nearly there!

so im only 1.7kg away from my mini goal :)
ive lost 4kg in 36 days.

not too bad considering for the last 2 weeks ive had AF.
was getting a little disheartened not seeing the numbers change on the scale
this morning i got up and saw 107.7kg and felt like i was going to cry
its good seeing the numbers slowly drop
i know its better to do slowly but it can be frustrating
ive lost 10% of what i want to.


hopefully once I've lost a bit more my body will regulate itself
thats what im aiming for. looking good for the wedding is a bonus
but i want another child, i want to be healthy for the children i already have.

im quitting smoking too!
5th day on champix and I'm already noticing that im not craving them
i think i'll use my smoking time to exercise. 5 minutes 8-10 times a day should get me fit fast!

til next time :)