wide awake.

I'm bored.
When I get bored I usually get into mischief. Kind of like a toddler, but worse.

I'm pissed off.
The same things keep happening even though I try to change them, they always stay the same.

It's so frustrating.

I sat alone in the car for nearly 6 hours tonight. I miss being able to be alone, doesn't happen often with twins & a fiancé. Oh and the psychotic cat.

I'm bored.
I'm pissed off.
I'm wide awake.

Not a good combination.

we fall down so we can learn how to get back up

Been watching Batman for most of the afternoon after the boys prep transition.

They are at their nans tonight & tomorrow because everyone is working. They love being with her and she loves having them which is good.

Hurt my back putting on pants yesterday so Im a bit grumpy and easily upset, doesn't help that I am so physically drained at the moment so all I want to do is cry or sleep.

Started getting ovary pains about 5 minutes ago which isn't helping haha I'm even more grumpy but Pete understand and has been heating up my heatpack and bringing me coffee :)

can't wait to go to bed & just snuggle up and be with him. sometimes I feel like I'm 3 people; the twin's mum, Pete's fiancé and then me. I hardly find a time where I can be all 3 at once. Don't know if any other mums feel like this but I definitely do.

Til next time :)


Oh and a cute pic

an ocean between us

im having a bad day today.
feeling really shit about the accident.
angry that i am not able to do things because of what happened.
angry that im in pain all the time.
ive been told that its normal to feel like this.
i dont see anything normal about it.
every second im in a car i think someone is going to crash into us.
i hate the feeling of panic - my heart races and i cant slow my breathing down.
it takes all the strength i have not to break down and cry.
i try to talk to pete about it but it just doesnt seem to stick
mil thinks im being stupid. sil doesnt understand what the big deal is.
i dont even like thinking about it.
yet i cant stop thinking about it.
i dream about it.
i have flashbacks a lot more.
it has honestly broken me.
i just dont know how to cope with it.

nearly there!

so im only 1.7kg away from my mini goal :)
ive lost 4kg in 36 days.

not too bad considering for the last 2 weeks ive had AF.
was getting a little disheartened not seeing the numbers change on the scale
this morning i got up and saw 107.7kg and felt like i was going to cry
its good seeing the numbers slowly drop
i know its better to do slowly but it can be frustrating
ive lost 10% of what i want to.


hopefully once I've lost a bit more my body will regulate itself
thats what im aiming for. looking good for the wedding is a bonus
but i want another child, i want to be healthy for the children i already have.

im quitting smoking too!
5th day on champix and I'm already noticing that im not craving them
i think i'll use my smoking time to exercise. 5 minutes 8-10 times a day should get me fit fast!

til next time :)

getting there

well im over half way to my mini goal! :D

hoping to lose 12kg by christmas and 20kg by the twins birthday.
20kg will take me halfway to my ultimate goal :)

2.9kg lost so far. in 22 days.

so happy my body is deciding to start behaving!


til next time :)

fun & games

took the kids to luna park yesterday.
they had so much fun! went on 5 rides over the 2 hours we were there.
when we told them it was time to go they happily left.
i love having such well behaved kids.

not feeling great today.
woke up exhausted, stepped on a bit of broken plate :(

starting from tomorrow im going to go on a week challenge.
shakes twice a day
healthy snacks
and a nice healthy dinner :)


going to take things a week at a time and get this weight off!

til next time :)

gator boots with a pimped out gucci suit

well i have had a shit few days
well a week actually.
one of the twins was sick sun-tues with a throat infection
wed & thursday i had gastro (fun fun!)
& yesterday i developed a lovely throat infection.


on the plus side i lost 1kg due to being so sick haha.


til next time :)

shake it!

so my cheeseburger addiction is now gone :)

ive been doing really well with my shakes so far.
cant wait to see the numbers drop on that scale!

so far today ive had

caffe latte shake
celeb slim snack bar
leftover butter chicken
tub of diet yogurt &
water with lemon.


MILs making chicken caesar salad for dinner (YUM!)


so losing weight will be good.
should make my PCOS symptoms go away.
only problem with that is it was a good contraception...
so we're going to have to figure that out asap.
on the pill for the next 3 months so thats covered
im hoping to lose 12-15kg in that time

wish me luck!

til next time :)

cheeseburger addiction

well i had a banana shake for breakfast this morning.
tasted like banana paddle pop!
so ive been doing pretty well at having them for breaky
now all i need is to start them for lunch!

today i had

banana shake
banana
banana & choc chip muffin
handful of grapes
double cheeseburger from maccas
cheeseburger from hungry jacks
steak, roast potatoes, roast sweet potato, roast mushrooms,
roast beetroot, tomato & cucumber.

so not a bad day really
except the cheeseburgers lol
seems i have a slight addiction, but only to HJ ones.

got a script for duromine so once i have some money ill start taking it.
will be doing shakes & duromine so i think the weight will drop quite quickly (yay!)
im also going back on the pill to try and get my PCOS back under control.
will update on here with how it goes.

currently 111kg
goal  65-70kg

i think im just going to do it 5kg at a time.


til next time :)

"act your age, not your shoe size"

so i have this friend. lets just call her TTC friend.
well TTC friend wants everything that i want.
wedding venues, cots, prams, change tables you name it she wants it.

its actually really annoying and i find myself getting really fired up about it
like i want to do everything first just so it doesnt look like im copying her.

stupid i know. not something a 21yr old should be saying but seriously, get your own life!


we see the same doctor (i was the first one to start seeing her), we're on the same medications,
shes even started on shakes again!

ugh makes me feel like such a child whinging about all of this but i need to get it out


til next time :)

fall amy fly

well we did a bit of moving today.
not nearly as much a i would have liked but oh well.

had a shake for breakfast wasnt the best. tasted really bland and chalky.
which is weird because ive had the brand & flavour before.
craving a cheeseburger from hungry jacks BIG TIME!

cant wait for the fiancé to finish work so i can get snuggles & smooches.

god i love him even though he drives me insane.

well i tried haha

so i was back on the met.

but then i forgot to take it
with work, the kids, the fiance and the psychotic kitten things are pretty busy around here
i know i should be taking it every day.

ive decided to go back on meal replacement shakes. it worked well last time got my weightloss started.
i'll be doing a shake for breaky, soup for lunch and lamb, steak, chicken breast, fish
& salad/steamed veg for dinner.

ive gained 42 kg in the last 2 years, not something im happy with. i do blame the contraception i was on
as i didnt change my eating habits/excercise so its really the only culprit (well maybe the diet&excercise didnt help a whole lot either)

i want to lose weight for the wedding & so we can start TTC when the boys start school.



til next time :)

back on the met

so today is my first day back on metformin. hoping it does what its meant to and my body gets back on track. i would love to have another child and think that next year when the twins start school will be the perfect time. there wont be as much stress on us financially. especially not having to pay childcare fees! the baby daddy will pay for 50% of their school expenses which is even better :)

in two minds about going back to work tomorrow. ive missed working but i dont want to deal with the awkward back to work meeting that is sure to happen. hoping they are alright with dropping my hours down!

just like before i should have told you again that I'm so sorry

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts? 
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground. 
What have we found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here






R.I.P Dad


26/10/1970 - 17/01/2000

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces

TTC is seriously one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. every month seeing that negative result or getting no AF at all is heartbreaking.


this month however I've had a few questionable tests, faint lines one majority of my tests and now either 2 or 5 days late depending on cycle length.

desperately hoping theres something good happening in there!

i know that i should walk away but i can't bring myself to quit this game
she's just a beautiful girl with the weight of the world on her shoulders



just like before i should have told you again that I'm so sorry

fly away

just feel so trapped. i don't even know how my life came to this point.
im not depressed or anything.
I'm just so confused about how i ended up here.
the last 2 years seem like an absolute blur and i find myself thinking a lot about
how my life was 2 years ago.

there was a few bumps in the road but it was so much easier to deal with everything
i felt like i was finally starting to get back to myself.

now I'm back to feeling strange. trapped, like I'm being crushed.


i want to get away.


a nice long drive with the sun shining on my face. a few days without having to worry about anything.

thats what i need.